Yesterday we had the second and final procedure. The TTTS surgery was traumatic, but this one was almost just as bad. The waiting is what gets me every time. I tried to stay calm, but the longer I sat there, the more worked up I got.
This was a very new experimental treatment too and that didn’t really help my nerves. It’s called an amniopatch and my specialist had only preformed this two other times.
They spent the entire previous day prepping for it. Sending supplies in. Getting the blood particles. Calling the doctors in California and Europe who had preformed it before.
That morning they took the bandage off of my incision from surgery. I about flipped out. “Wait.” “I need that.” “Won’t it bust open?” The poor nurse. It took her about 10 minutes to convince me that she wasn’t robbing me and it would be ok.
I showered with orange soap and a chair. Nate called it my throne. Then I sat in the bed and waited for an hour … and then another hour. Some of the time I was calm, but some of the time tears spilled down my cheeks. Finally, the team started arriving. Huge needles and syringes started appearing everywhere and there where more people than the room could hold. It tuned into a small OR.
I started heaving. People kept telling me not to be afraid of the needles. They said I wouldn’t feel them. I never did, but I wanted to say, “I’m not afraid of the needles. I’m not afraid the doctor won’t do it right. I’m afraid for my babies. I’m afraid they won’t make it. I’m afraid my heart will break.”
The tech started to sonogram my belly. The nurses prepped the materials. Then the doctor started cleaning my incision site. They didn’t go into the same spot, but right next to it. Right as he was about to start he gently leaned in and told me I needed to be completely calm. No crying. No heaving. My babies lives depended on it.
My bravery was all gone. I just didn’t have any left. I couldn’t force my shaking body to hold completely still and I wasn’t allowed any medication.
I turned my worship music on through my headphones and started trying to think of anything that might bring calm back into my body. The songs were helping and I was able to be relatively still as the doctor stuck the first needle in. OUCH. Then it came out and I wasn’t supposed to feel anything else, but I did. I felt two more needles going in and some liquid spilling out.
The fear was equaled by pain. Finally, a single thought crossed my mind. I was asking God for strength and bravery and I thought of Christ and how he went to the cross for his children. He went with perfect bravery and strength. He did what he needed to do to save the children he loved so much. That thought brought the peace I so needed. Jesus could do it and would give me the strength to do it too.
They completed the procedure and left. I didn’t feel happy or sad. I didn’t feel relieved or anxious. I didn’t feel tired or awake. I just stared at the wall and felt nothing. It was good that it was all over, but bad that there was nothing else we could do to fight TTTS. I had felt so much over the past week that I just couldn’t process anymore.
I rested all of that day and then was scanned one last time this morning before leaving the hospital. Both were STILL ALIVE and both had IMPROVED. Praise God!! We still won’t know for sure until the middle of next week when we go back in to check the patch.
This week will be one of waiting and prayer. My mom was able to fly out and will be with us as I’m on bed rest and can do nothing at all.
- That we still have two live babies.
- That the second procedure went well.
- That the babies already improved.
- That the patch works.
- That I do not get infected from my waters being broken or go into labor.
- That best rest would go well this coming week.
- That God would bring peace and rest to our weary souls.