God’s Faithfulness Through My Pregnancy Fears

Sometimes change happens slowly. Like the leaves changing color in the Fall. And then sometimes it happens in a moment. When we found out I was pregnant with twins, our lives changed. Suddenly everything was a little different. Then everything changed again as I sat on the edge of the doctor’s table and heard the letters “TTTS” for the first time. Everything had been so normal. So ordinary. And in a moment everything was different. I went from planning a play date with my toddler to figuring out how to best fight for the lives of my two unborn daughters.

When we first saw the two tiny beans on the sonogram screen, fear entered my heart. It rushed in like an avalanche and stole so much of the joy that a moment like that can hold. The first thing that popped into my head was, “I can’t do this.” And the second was, “I don’t want to be faaaaaaat.” Once Nate got me to the car and helped me calm down, I realized I had four main pregnancy fears: fear of complications, fear of bed rest, fear of having a c-section, and fear of NICU time.

Complications

Wow. We have had just about every twin complication that you can have. They were already identical which is less common. Then they had TTTS. Then we were told that we were one of the earliest cases to ever have the laser ablation surgery. Then my water broke. My specialist said on Friday that I need to take it easy because I have “experienced more stress with this pregnancy than most women will in their entire reproductive lifetime.” He also informed us that before we had had the laser ablation surgery, both he and my surgeon in Houston did not think these babies would live. So my fear of serious complications definitely became a reality.

Bed Rest

I think this was a huge fear of mine because I’m such an active person. It has proved to be every bit as difficult as I dreaded, but in different ways. I thought I would miss working out. I do, but I know that I’ll get back to it soon. I thought I would miss my friends. I do, but they have been super thoughtful and come to visit. I thought I would miss styling my bump. I do, but let’s be honest, I’m saving a ton of money living in my PJs. What has really bothered me is missing out on being Fern’s mom and Nate’s wife. It hurts so bad. The first week I think I cried every other day.

I only have a few months left with just Fern. I dreamed about taking her to the park, wearing matching outfits on outings, getting Starbucks, and just sitting on the floor playing with her. Now I have to watch others do those things with her. I’m incredibly grateful for people stepping in and being Jesus to us. It just hurts that it’s not me. And I want to be the one taking care of Nate. So far other people have cleaned our house, cooked us meals, and made sure we are ok. I know someday I’ll get to do those things again, but it’s hard right now.

My other two fears are having a C-section and NICU time. Both seemed like the end of the world just last month. How will I recover from a C-section with twins, a toddler, and no family in town? How will breastfeeding be with a huge wound and stitches? What if it bursts open? And how could we ever manage NICU time? Will our insurance cover everything? Will I get to hold them? Who will care for Fern while I’m with the twins and Nate is working? What about our house, laundry, and meals? It does look like both a C-section and NICU time are in our future.

I know God uses all kinds of situations and trials to teach us all sorts of things. As each one of these four fears becomes a crushing reality, my trust deepens. He has asked me to have faith and walk though a valley deeper than I knew existed. Through that I have seen him part the waters and move mountains. He has held my hand and given me strength when my world seemed to be crumbling around me. He has guided the doctors hands during surgery. And he has led friends and family to help us and bring hope and comfort.

To myself and anyone else struggling with fear: God has proven himself faithful time and time again. Not only does He declare himself to be so, but he graciously shows us his faithfulness time and time again. My heartbreak is real and yours is too, but I know He will continue to be faithful.

I don’t think I would ever sign up to walk through TTTS, bed rest, a c-section, and NICU time. But if God hadn’t allowed these trials I never would have seen a miracle. I never would have felt the true depth of the Father’s love in a tiny recovery room. And I wouldn’t have this story of hope to share.

The specialist said “your babies are dying” and God said, “No.” He stepped in and worked when no one else could save them.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.  -Lamentations 3:22-23                                                           


14 Responses to God’s Faithfulness Through My Pregnancy Fears

  1. Kim Salazar says:

    Amen, Ms. Hannah! God’s steadfast love and mercy always gets you through, if you just trust Him. That is the hardest thing in the world to do as I say that to you. But as with any exercise, practice makes perfect!! Ive learned the hard way. You just have to let go..

  2. Debra Chester says:

    I continue to pray for you and your babies!!

  3. Collette Ellenberger says:

    Hi Hannah! I’m directing this, just to you, as your blog certainly conveyed your fears, emotions, you are personally experiencing these past weeks. I know it also affects other members of your family, but only you and God know your deepest fears and hopes.
    The important thing is for you to take care of yourself. Your friends are happy to help you through this time. Nate certainly understands and Fern, as young as she is, I don’t believe knows any difference, or will remember, in the long run, that you didn’t get to play with her as much, that you didn’t visit a Starbucks. You’re there, with her. You can still read her stories, watch her color in a coloring book, Fern drawing pictures, you drawing pictures. If you are able to do those things, with her, those moments are just as precious. We’re all praying for you.
    That’s about it. Love to you and your family, Aunt Coco

    • Hannah says:

      Hey Aunt Coco,
      Thank you for much for the note. Thank you for reminding me that God does know my heart.
      And thank you for the reminder of all the things I can still do with Fern. I will make sure to do those things and stay positive. Love you, Hannah

  4. Hannah says:

    I relate to a lot of this! I feel like we are in the minority of all the percentages. The chances of IVF being successful the first time, the chances of the embryo splitting, the percentage of having a sub chorianic hematoma…..every time i hear a percentage i think of the ones we’ve already defied. But I cannot live in that fear. God has not given us a spirit of fear! <3 Hang in there! OH, forgot to mention, we found out we are having GIRLS as well! 🙂

    -H

    • Hannah says:

      Exactly! I almost hate to hear numbers and percentages any more. I’m so glad you seeem to have beaten the odds too so far. God is so good! And amen! Living is fear is just crushing.
      GIRLS!?!? That’s awesome!!!

  5. Karen Goken says:

    Sweet honest emotions. I understand bed rest is hard, but it’s also strangely sweet, so much of what God wants to speak to you for your ever increasing roll as a mom will be whispered to you during this time. I am praying you will have joy, fresh every morning, enough to get you through each day. So glad you can share your honest heart. Happy 19 weeks!

    • Hannah says:

      Thank you for the prayers. It has continued to be a struggle for me to find joy during this time. I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m here because God graciously saved our babies.

  6. Alissa says:

    You’ve written it so beautifully. Fears are so real but God is SO faithful to provide just what we need in every season of life. We day the same thing… would have never picked this road to walk down and now we wouldn’t change it for anything. Without this journey, we wouldn’t have know the depth of His love for us either! ( I never wanted a C-section, surgery, or MRI (I know, so silly) but ended up will all three in a short amount of time! I never really thought twins sounded like fun, but they are 😉) When we believe God’s truth, we can have peace in our hearts when our life feels far from peaceful. Blessings to your family as you wait upon the Lord! 🙌🙏

    • Hannah says:

      Thank you for those sweet words. He is faithful indeed. Well said. This journey has truly given and taught us so much. Sounds like you had a similar time of struggles and difficulties through your pregnancy. Thank you for taking the time to read and then share with me. I sure your story encourages many.

  7. Hillary says:

    Hey Hannah!
    I happened to come across your Instagram page a week or so back and have been following your IG posts and blog ever since. Love your honesty and your sweet spirit through these hard times. You and your family are in my prayers! I’m in mid-Missouri and wish you lived closer! I’m all about Starbucks, or really any coffee place for that matter, and love adventures and traveling! So we have a little in common anyway. 😉

    • Hannah says:

      Hello!
      Thank you for following and praying. Having strangers walk this road with us means the world to us. I have an aunt in mid-Missouri, so maybe we’ll meet someday!
      I guess I’m not too unique. Haha! But having things in common with people is a good thing.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *